So, let me tell you all about my fail morning. It all started last night.

I’m up late finishing paperwork for last week to turn in for clinicals at 6am tommorow. I come back, finish around 12:30ish am and remember to remind my friend to call me and text me when she is on her way. So, I set my alarm clock for 4:30am. I sleep.

I WAKE UP AT EFFING 8AM THE NEXT DAY. There’s light outside. Something is wrong. I wake up and automatically nothing feels right. I look at my phone. Yep, I had just slept through all of my alarms, all of the 47 missed calls, and millions of text messages wondering where the hell I was. Pissed, I threw my phone at the wall for all it’s worth and then pick it up to call and let my instructor know that I did not get adequate sleep the night before. Yada yada yada…anyways, I checked to see why my alarm clock did not ring. Apparently, I had set it for all the days of the week EXCEPT tuesday. …. no words to express how much of a dumbass I feel right now. On top of that, I KNOW I would have waken up to some call, but my phone was on silent like an idiot, too. Meaning, it did not vibrate. So I slept through all of those calls. It is just really upsetting when a person like me, who does not skip class EVER even when he is sick, misses clinicals!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! my parents called me 50 million times again from 4am to 6am.

I’m so mad at myself right now.

and I still do not know what to do with myself with this extra holiday I’ve made for myself unintentionally.

Well, I guess everything will work out and that I’m still alive and breathing. Still upset though.

I’m not eating today.

So how come I study day and night for an exam, attempting to remember and memorize as much information as I can for this test, I study, I read, I did the study guide, I looked at the CD, I tried using the last year’s study guide as a reference…and then BAM. When I sit and take this exam, it is NOTHING like ANYTHING I’ve recalled studying. It was not anything she covered in class, it was SO SPECIFIC…..It was pretty much just like taking the NCLEX Med Surge Section. Anyways, as I took this test, we only had an hour and thirty minutes for 75 questions. By the end of the exam, I had to rush to finish. After taking that test, I honestly felt like one of those idiotic students who didn’t bother studying, who tried cramming, and who just didn’t care and BSed their whole way through the exam—which is pretty much what I did. Now, I can understand that nursing is a vigorous and intense major, but let me make this clear, I AM NOT LAZY. YOU CANNOT MEMORIZE EVERY SINGLE DAMN WORD IN 70+ PAGES OF A TEXBOOK. HOW CAN YOU JUST TELL US THAT TO STUDY FOR YOUR EXAMS WE NEED TO “KNOW EVERYTHING?” WE DON’T GET A STUDY GUIDE. (And I am not asking for the answers, I just need to know what areas you consider important, but how can you when you have different “guest speakers” every week?) TOO CONFUSING. I don’t understand, and I’ve never felt so upset and stupid taking any exam before. I honestly tried my best, but I guess my best (for her at least) is an F. Can I add that on that same day we had a project to present, too, and that prior to that week we had 3 exams and a quiz in all of nursing classes? Just saying.

AND THEN the nerve my parents have when I try venting to them about how frustrated I felt about this exam and how I believe I failed it, literally, AND THEY JUST ACCUSE ME OF MY FAILING GRADES BECAUSE OF GAHDAMN HANGING OUT/”PARTYING”/HAVING TOO MUCH FUCKING FUN? ARE YOU SERIOUS? YOU CAN’T BE FUCKING SERIOUS? THE LAST THING I EVER HAD THESE PAST THREE STRESSFUL WEEKS WERE HANGING OUT AND HAVING FUN. They even kept threatning me about checking my gas mileage and see “where I’ve been?” I’m hurt. Are you fucking kidding me? Seriously what kind of bullshit is that. They start yelling at me for being lazy and always “being with friends.” One, I haven’t hung out with any kind of friend lately. ALL I’VE FUCKING BEEN DOING is studying at any kind of library. uiasudklasdkluetiwouweiofjkldsjfksdljfklsdjf

I still have clinical papers to do, and I have to get up at 4am tommorow morning.

I’m done. Bye.

(Source: blogsecret)

My God is NOT DEAD. He is SURELY ALIVE.

This past weekend has been a-maze-ing. Friday thru Sunday of consistent passion for Jesus Christ in the event of Passion268 Atlanta, Georgia/Fort Worth, Texas 2011 is something I will never, ever forget so long as I live.

It is my study break right now, so bite me :D

Anyways, back to passion 2011. It was such an awesome experience. First, I would like to thank YG, Youth Generation Church, and especially Adrian Rojas, who have bestowed me with the opportunity of attending passion this week. What I really LOVED about it was the fact that we could fellowship with other christian denominations and worship our Lord together without clashing heads. I mean, when it comes down to it, there is not just one “right” christian denomination, or religious affiliation. We are followers of christ, and that is what is important. I met so many lovely people at this event, my awesome red community/family group, and the many other random people that I ran while walking. Mostly, I got to hang with marlise, ryan, bradley, kenny, adrian, and the rest of YG a lot. I also got to witness the mighty preaching of pastor Francis Chan. I loved his message so much, that I bought one of this books called “Crazy Love” and apparently it is CRAZY, heh. So I cannot wait to finish that novel. Aside from that, what I really, really did notice about him was the fact that he was genuinely in LOVE, like serious LOVE, with Jesus and the Lord. I saw that “crazy love” that he had for Him.

That is something I want for myself. I want that “love” that will keep me up all night, keep me excited, and keep me pumped and most of all…keep me happy because God knows how unhappy and sad I’ve been lately. So I am now in this process of attaining this love. Listening to Francis’ message made me realize something. Something important. All this time in my life, I thought I had everything figured out, lined up, and organized. What I realized, especially with the Bible and Francis’ message, was that I really had no idea what I was doing. I was lost. And with that, I will testify my awkward jogging epiphany I came up with this past friday.

So, once again, the gym was unfortunately closed again due to the home show that I did not even attend. oh well, so I decided to take a jogg around the lake near our campus. It’s the same route we ran three times for the 5k. Anyways, on this jog around the lake, I took my usual path 5 times around the trail—with the wind breeze on my back, easing my jog, smoothly-paved dirt pathway that the school made. I also left my water bottle and towel at the usual spot that nobody would find around the train, this spot marked my stop/10 s rest point. So, on my last sprint, 5th lap, acround the lake, I decided be a little dike and spontaneously turn around and run the track on reverse.

What. A. Big. Mistake.

Not only did I not recognize this pathway, but also for some odd reason, it was a lot more difficult to track this pathway. The wind was blowing strongly against my face. The sun was searing and sweat was pouring. I got intensively dehydrated. I ran into a pile of thorns and thistles that inflicted pain onmy ankles from latching onto them. It was tortorous. I had no wind to ease my running, no smooth pathway, the blinding sun scorched me, and I just could not recognize where I was going.

Although it was that still same path that I took for jogging, but reversed, when it came down to it:

I was lost.

Then it made me think about my spirituality. Like my usual normally FORWARD pathway on the familiar track, my Adventist “denomination” was something that I was always something that I had somehwere down the list of priority. In all honesty, God was not my first priority. So while being familiar and just going with the mindset that, yeah God sent His son Jesus to die for me blahblah that is nice and all, but I do not have time to worship because I am apparently “too busy” all the time. That was just a bunch of lame excuses. Until passion and even until I attended this university, I did not realize how ignorant and dumb I was. Just how blind I have been. People couldn’t see Jesus in me, they saw me as one of those other public school kids who had no strong ties to God. So what had hit me was, as I dared to run reverse, to take a dare and a challenge to do something unfamiliar, I ran into trouble. In life, I was used to being home bound, having no life what so ever outside of my family. Then, during high school, even as I moved away from home, I began doing stuff I know I should not have been. I knew better, but did I care? No. i wanted to fit with the “in crowd.” So as I did these arbritrary things, I fell into a midst of chaos. I became bitter that I attended swau, I wanted to join a fraternity. I wanted to party. I wanted to go to the Unveristy of Texas Austin, but for all the wrong pathetic reasons. I became also bitter to my many friends who have stood by my side, and I just hated, hated, judged, critqued everything that I saw. It was the evil anguish inside of me that made me into an ugly person. These “things” were the piles ”thistles” and “thorns” that I had managed to run into during my reverse jogging dare.

I hated all of it. I was beyond annoyed, I was ready to be DONE with all this anger, contempt, loathing, and everything building up inside of me. Until i realized one day:

that I do not have to always be this angry, this sad, this upset, this frustrated, this furious at everyone and everything. Neither did I have to be this conceited, this annoying. I had enough about myself.

I prayed to God about it. And I realized that I NEEDED GOD BACK IN CONROL OF MY LIFE. And, sure enough, especially in my prayer with Him and with this past passion weekend, I realized many things. On my challenging reversed trail I still remembered at the end of this odd path, there was that thirst quenching water bottle. That “thirst” I had was for Christ, God, and the Holy Spirit alone. It was not because I was just physiologically thirsty and dehydrated. I was runned dry of God. I came to the point in life where I had let my sins dominate and not God. But upon completing this challenging road, the strong wind daring me not to come back, the sun screaming on my face, daring me to die in defeat, I ran and ran for that water, for God and did not GIVE UP because He has always been there for me. And just how our bodies are composed of about 70% of water, so is God a vital part of of our lives. Every breath you take, every breath I take, every breath that is exhaled and inhaled, that is done all because of the amazing works of God. Without Him, I might as well just be dust on the earth.

And without water, I might was well just go on and die.

So, I have made this realization that I most definitely need to change. I need to become a loving-man-of-God, not a bashful, conceited, selfishl individual. I finally, finally, finally..
chose to LET GO and to LET GOD.

I have chosen to let go of all my old wants and desires, and immoral wishes. I know it is easier said than done, and there will be many challenges down the road. But just knowing that I am giving myself to God and to work on being humble just makse me…happy. Typing this blog is making me happy with every second. Even with all these challenges and difficulties, I know that God is there with me, and that with Him who could possibly be against me? I have no fear anymore. As long as I am alive NOW, HE WILL BE MY BASE/BOTTOM OF HAPPINESS. HE WILL BE MY NUMBER ONE. AND HE WILL BE THE ONE I LOVE. the one I truly….truly

Love…

this is my declaration.

Neil Sagrado

I am fucking livid. LIVID. Hmph. Leave me alone.

I’m going to type my emotions, rants, complaints, and irrational anger out and put it on here because I know nobody will read this.

I hate being here at this campus. But, I do like being away from home and being able to enjoy some form of freedom. Although, really, there isn’t much freedom here to begin with because of all the dumb rules and fines and dumb policies, and most of all, dumb administration.

First, I’d like to address how many RETARDED classmates I have. My many adventist classmates here at swau complain RELIGIOUSLY (haha) about how much homework they have to do, how much stress and blah blah blah. Complain complain complain. First off, shut up. Second, the pre-reqs here are not hard at all. So shut the fuck up. Third, you’re so damn lazy, all you care about is lofting around, clubbing, smoking, being lazy, playing videogames, having sex, watching mindless TV/movies. UGHJKFSKDJSLKJDSD I CAN’T STAND THE LAZINESS HERE. Sure, I get it—this school accepts anyone and everyone. I don’t understand why I ended up here, maybe God has other plans for me. But, I just can’t stand the people here. ALL THEY FUCKING DO IS COMPLAIN COMPLAIN COMPLAIN, when they really should be complaining about their fucking lame ass fucking selves.

Like, people here say they don’t like the nursing program here, and start comparing it to other ADVENTIST nursing schools. I’d like to address that if you can’t handle the program here, I’m sorry, but WHAT MAKES YOU THINK YOU CAN HANDLE IT ELSEWHERE, RETARD? It is your fault you made your bad grades. You don’t study, you don’t prioritize, you’re off doing other shit that doesn’t even fucking matter, so shut the hell up and stop complaining. You need to take initiative, take the blame, and realize that COLLEGE IS EXPENSIVE, YOU ARE NOT PAYING FOR IT, YOU ARE PULLING LOANS, and IT IS NOT FREE. IT IS NOT SOMETHING TO BE TAKEN GRANTED OF. God, people here don’t realize that. So they fail and transfer out. Stupidity at it’s greatest. And then I have a bunch of retard dorm guys here just chilling 3AM playing videogames when I need to be sleeping, but they LACK RESPECT so I can’t even sleep with any silence….I really hate sleeping in the dorm…..hate HATE.

Ughhh I am so angry right now. Whatever, at least I get pokemon white version tommorow. Thank GOD!!!!!!!

Too much on my mind, I’m going to sleep, goodnight bitches.